the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
