Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
