You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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