70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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