I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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