when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
