Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize