We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's blow job season.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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