I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
