Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i need an iv and a liver transplant
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
