My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
