I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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