oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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