Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
