I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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