I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
