he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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