textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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