I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You have to summon your inner elephant
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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