Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
and you fell through a lawn chair
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
