don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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