I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Someone signed my nipple.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
