Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
