good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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