I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
