I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
