remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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