There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
