Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize