Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I need to align my fucking chakras
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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