Only a mothe r could love this liver
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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