Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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