She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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