I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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