I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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