I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just puked most of my soul out..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
