i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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