i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You ate ashes out of my bong
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize