You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize