Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
