no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
