I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
