well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize