I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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