I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
