Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
