so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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