Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
