I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
