I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Still dying that you shit outside
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
