If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
