Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
