Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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