they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
